Be careful what you ask for…

So, yesterday I posted a little blurb I wrote for Remainder. In full flush of having posted it, I read it last night for my writing group. And, so, the pluses/minuses of being part of a writers group, and hence today’s title, be careful what you ask for.

Because I got the full brunt of their critique. To get right down to it, after setting ego aside, I saw the value of their criticisms. Here, after a bit more work and input from my closest critics, is the revised blurb.

If Wilson Parker better understood what he was taking on when he headed into Remainder, then the town’s future might not come down to a race between him and the son of a dying man.

As the war on terror builds, Wilson’s boss is building one of his infamous planned developments   to show ‘those terrorists’ how successful – and unafraid – America can be.

Encouraged by the eagerness of Ray Boone, who sees booze bottles next to the buyout’s dollar signs and Branden McKewen, who needs to move to New York City to help rebuild, salesman Parker expects property deals to go smoothly.  But success requires the cooperation of the landowners, and they are an independent if not eccentric bunch. As the push-and-pull continues, the life-paths of a dozen or more of Remainder’s residents change. For Wilson Parker and 13-year-old Ty Cummins in particular, this year changes everything.


Writing groups are great, and I’m glad I asked their opinion, however humbling an experience it was. I am happy I made the changes I did, as the blurb is both more specific and inclusive of better, more coherent detail. It also struck what I feel is the right note.

It’s a reminder to be willing to let go of our babies, and to consider criticisms respectfully leveled at our  work thoughtfully. I kept what I wanted for the new blurb, and discarded or re-worked the rest. It’s all in the name of making the writing better.


TIP…. Flow

Having just completed a triple review of my REMAINDER manuscript, I wanted to share a tip with you all.

When you can’t think of anything else to check your book for in terms of grammar, punctuation, word choice, structure, etc, do one thing more.

Read with an ear toward flow. Anything that interrupts the flow of your reading or pulls you out of the story whether by distracting you with a fancy word or ruining your suspended disbelief, must go.

It can be deleted, it can be replaced, it can simply be reworded, but it has to go. You want your story to flow so smoothly that all your reader complains is that he can’t get anything done because he can’t put it down.


Remember, without sounding too sinister, you want to ensnare your readers in your world so that they will never want to leave.

A Return to Show, Don’t Tell

Now…. let me see…. where were we?

(sound of foot tapping – or is it a pencil?) You were going to explain about how you show, don’t tell your story.

I was?

Oh for heaven’s sake, will you get on with I? I’ve been waiting weeks!

Not possible. It’s  only been days since I posted the first part. You can re-read it if you want.

(grumble) I suppose it hasn’t been that long, but you sort of left us hanging, you know.

Well, I hope you got some writing done while you were waiting.

No, I was waiting to see what you had to say.

Ohh! Well, as flattering as that is, you should have used your time to get something done on your writing project. You can’t depend on me – or others – for whether or not you write. But that’s another topic. About showing your reader, I think I said, you need to get out —

Out of the reader’s eye.

Close. You have to get out of the reader’s way. And we do that through the use of active verbs, dialogue, good word choice and being in the moment of the story.

For instance, my son (continuing our discussion of  Altered Carbon*) said they introduced new technology in the story, a communications device called an ‘ONI’  that worked with an attachment on the back of  the hand (for sound) and some way of seeing the image displayed directly on the eyeball. They could – even on video but definitely in print – have had the character stop to recall the invention, who invented it, how the device was first used and received by the public, how popular it was, and how it gets implanted to some colleague or other. This would delay the story, and all to let the reader understand how clever the writer was to have made it up.

Image result for prideful


Well, that’s what we do, isn’t? All that information may let your reader know about technology  in the time of your  story, but it really serves to let you step in, thumbs behind the suspenders, chest puffed out in pride about your brilliant world-building. All you need is for your character to make what amounts to a phone call, probably to convey an essential fact to the investigator at the other end of the call, and do it in a way that is pertinent to the times. That alone reinforces what this world looks like, and the content discussed (done right) advances the story.

But you, the writer, need to set yourself down and get out of the way. The writers and actors and directors at Altered Carbon did this by showing, without commentary, the ONI being used as a communications device. Technological changes and additions are germane to the plot and premise of this show, but sharing them is accomplished far better by  demonstration over description. You don’t bore your reader. In fact, you draw them further into the story.

Okay, I get the idea. But how do you make it happen?

If I said it’s done with words, you’d make fun of me, but that is really it. Words selected with care, and with an eye to pace, energy, and exactitude. Precisely chosen words used with economy and without an excess of qualifiers tighten your writing and keep you invisible to the reader.

This is the very reason writers are told to avoid adverbs and passive structure. Read your manuscripts carefully and find ways to excise (okay, I know I’m on an ‘e’ roll) extra words. Especially words you use repeatedly. Delete ‘small’ for the more precise ‘tiny’, ‘minute’, ‘compact’, or ‘dainty’, each of whose meanings convey something more than mere size. Drop words such as ‘very’ or ‘just’, which only confer shades of emphasis; employ single words that don’t require modifiers. And be tough on your writing. You want it to be the best it can be.

All right, I can see that. Makes it a lot of work, though.

(stern voice) No one wants to turn in sloppy work that isn’t one’s best. The time and trouble is worth it.

Can you give us some more hints? You’ve talked about words. What about actions? You say that we should use actions to show things. How can actions show something like appearance – or emotions?

Granted description is a little tricky to do in terms of action. Unless, of course, you choose to drop in ‘black, curly hair tangled  by the wind as she loped across the field’, or some such. Emotions, actually are easier.


Emotions tend to cause us to move or talk or make faces. Specific actions can be associated with specific emotions. There’s a wonderful book out, by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi, called The Emotion Thesaurus, which categorizes emotions and the physical actions that accompany them. So, you can look up an emotion and see possibilities for how your character might behave.

Example (found on pages 48-49):

They define Depression as ‘extreme sadness and reduced vitality’ with Physical Signals (their term) of ‘staring down at one’s hands’ or having poor eating habits. Internal Sensations include a slow pulse or shallow breathing, and Mental Responses might include an inability to concentrate or ‘bleak observations about the world’.  It’s true these read a little like a list of symptoms, but can you ask for a better way to SHOW this emotion?


The next move is to come up with a way to use this. Maybe in conversation, your character can’t focus. Or he keeps complaining in dark ways with words out of proportion to the situation. Or, while staring at her hands at the dinner table, she only  picks at her food and then leaves the table. (ah, a 2-fer1 there!). These all make for greater entertainment than writing “Billie was depressed.” The pictures draw the reader into the story. The writer fades from view, and now the reader is part of that world. That is what you are striving for as a writer.

You’ve spent a lot of time creating the world of your story. You want your reader to enjoy their time there. And you want them to visit your world(s) again.

So keep showing. Don’t just tell.




*A word to the wise, Altered Carbon isn’t ‘just’ a TV show. It’s based on a book of the same name by Richard K. Morgan published in 2002 and awarded the Philip K. Dick Award in 2003. Might want to check out how  he did it.